emotionally drained00:12 Oct 30 2007
Times Read: 674
geh....
i'm so emotionally drained its not even close to funny.
one of the things i always prided myself on was not being capable of hating anyone (except myself). i've recently discovered that i do infact know how to hate, and i do it very well.
"All the rage inside builds up,
And it scares me half to death,
To think that this emotion
Is coming from my depth."
-Me (dont steal, please)
Who do i hate, you ask? simple. i hate her. and it kills me inside to hate her b/c i know that me hating her will only hurt him (my mate). i mean, it's bad enough that she hates me. I'm one of the reasons she wants to leave again. and god. i wouldnt mind her leaving. i really wouldnt. in fact, i'd welcome the change with open arms. but if she leaves, she takes the boys, and that would devistate him and consequently me. you see, i love those boys. i love every single one of his children, even the ones he has with her (whom i'm pretty sure will grow to hate me b/c of their mother's influence).
she thinks i stole him from her. i didnt. when he and i first met, she had already left, and he was calling her his ex. we started talking and exchanged numbers. us getting together happened unexpectedly. neither one of us planned on becoming what we are now. we just wanted friendship. two nights after we first spoke on the phone, he asked me out, and i said yes. actually, he asked if i would be his, and i, w/o really thinking about it, said yes. it felt right saying that i'd be his. being with him felt so right. it was the day before valintines day.
that first month was great. fantastic. actually the first month and a half. we spoke every night all night, we got to know eachother better, we bonded, we had fun. then she came back. and i was glad she came back b/c she brought their son back with her and he had missed his son terribly. but once she came back, the all night calls stopped. the quality time we spent together went out the window. and i was worried she was going to get what she wanted. him. i mean, sure, the first thing he told her when she got home was 'i have someone new,' but still.... worry and doubt had already planted their seeds into my very being, and it hurt.
i cant tell you how many nights i cried myself to sleep because of that woman. i think thats when my dislike for her started. i think she hated me from the get go. before she came back she even messaged me and was all like 'how do you know him? what are you guys?' blah blah blah. luckily he was on the phone with me when she sent it, so he told me what to tell her. her response was 'well, i'm his wifey to be...' i stopped paying attention after that. i was furious. she wasnt his wifey to be. if anyone was that, it was me. ME!!!
so, after march things slowly started going down hill. but i wasnt willing to give him up. now, that's not to say we didnt break up a few times. we did. the first time, he had been being a royal asshole to me, so after talking, we broke up. or rather, i broke up with him. and it hurt like a bitch. then a few hours later, he called me and apologized over and over sincerily. we got back together. then we broke up again about a month later. that break up lasted longer. it happend at the beginging of june and lasted until the end of august. we dont actually count it as being broken up b/c we still considered us together. or, at least, we acted like it.
during that time, she had been being a royal pain. he didnt talk to me as often b/c he didnt want to get into an argument with her. so, he settled for putting me on the back burner and making me 2nd to her. now that was not something i was prepared to tolerate. so i didnt. that was one of the reasons we broke up. once we got back together, he treated me differently, and i'm pretty sure she noticed. we got back together in august. it's the end of october.
he and i met at the end of september, about a week before my birthday. it was amazing. i loved every minute i was with him. and i'm pretty sure he loved every minute he was with me, too. we even spent a night together. it was great b/c it wasnt all about the sex, though that was mind blowing. ^_^. but we actually talked. we played video games. we watched a movie. we enjoyed eachother's company. and i was in bliss. i was spending time with the man i love more than anything else in the world.
but now he's back in va and i'm still stuck here in fl. she's threatening to leave (again, not that i'm against it) but if she does, she'll take the kids (which i am against). what's worse is that to make her happy, i cant call him until she figures out what she wants to do. if she leaves, she has to give him a decison by tomorrow night. if she stays, then she stays, but i can call him again.
i cant help but feel selfish. i want her go to. i want her to leave him alone and never come back. but i know that wanting that isnt fair to him, simply because he wont get to see his sons very often anymore. god, i love him!! i just want him to be happy.
this whole thing is tearing me up inside. i hate not being able to call him. i hate having even more limited time on the phone with him. i get so depressed that i've hurt myself again. all because she's throwing a hissy fit b/c he's not with her anymore.... ok ok. maybe that's only ONE reason, but still... it makes me feel better saying it.
*sighs* my life is sooo full of drama.
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